Remember reading’Family Secrets’ by John Bradshaw and in this book he said,”it was and is the parents’ really lives that taught you: not what they said, but what they did”. I took this to mean that what my parents did was much more significant than what came out of the mouth.
This was something that I had saved in my phone after I started reading the book in 2014, and, after thinking about the effect that my parents had had on what my relationships were like as an adult, I began to think about this quote again. However, I didn’t just think about how what they said to me wasn’t as important as how they treated me, however.
What also occurred to me was that how they treated each other was just as important as how they treated me. The concept that I formed of myself was partially defined by how my mother treated my dad.
Additionally, how my parents treated each other played a big part in my idea of what both people were like. Their relationship was incredibly dysfunctional, so they didn’t serve as good role models in this respect.
Full of Conflict
I don’t know what the term is when it comes to the opposite of a soul mate relationship, but this term could have fitted them perfectly. There was no stability, respect, connection or love; there was only fighting, arguments and drama.
My father was normally very passive and did what he could to attempt to please my mother, while my mother was generally controlling, cold, and emotionally unstable. After putting up with her hands for a number of weeks, my dad would often lose it, and the identical pattern would perform again soon after.
Needless to say, they were totally oblivious to the impact that their behaviour was having on my sister and I. Through being about these two individuals – day in day out, year after year – I ended up coming to believe that men were weak and had no value, and women were cold and controlling.
And as I had been a guy and had identified with my father, it meant that I was weak and had no value. This opinion was compounded by the way in which my mother treated me – I was generally treated in precisely the same way as my dad was.
The Power of Self-Awareness
It was then not much of a surprise that I’d go on to have a poor relationship with women and myself. A big part of me had the need to avoid women and it was common for me criticise myself and to feel totally worthless.
Thankfully, I ended up getting into self-development and looking into why I was experiencing life this way. This then gave me the chance to do something about what I’d picked up and to gradually redefine myself. Just like the folks at Merrit Island Raccoon Removal